Love Isn't Supposed to Leave Bruises
As many as 25% of Canadian youth experience some form of assault in a dating  relationship. Maybe you know someone it's happened to. Maybe it's happening now. Read on to learn more about unhealthy—even dangerous—relationships, and how you can have healthier, happier relationships.
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No one has a right to hit you or harm you, to touch you where or how you don’t want to be touched, to threaten you or to make you feel small, stupid or useless.
Too often, people think that if someone they love is mad or violent with them, they’ve done something to deserve getting hurt. Or they make excuses for the violence, believing it’s a sign of love and intense passion.The truth is, violence is never about love, it’s about control—losing control, and wanting to control someone else. It is always wrong, and it can happen to anyone, male or female, in any relationship.
Once it starts, relationship violence usually gets worse. It is important to watch for the warning signs, recognize if your relationship could be dangerous, and get help quickly.
There are three types: emotional, physical and sexual assault. Sometimes, the y happen alone, sometimes all three happen together.
EMOTIONAL assault is an attack on someone’s self-esteem that can be psychologically destructive. It includes criticizing, degrading or insulting someone to make them feel worthless. Another form is trying to control the other person’s behavior, often because of jealousy, and keeping them away from activities, friends or family.
Terrorizing is to cause fear by screaming, punching walls, breaking things or threatening suicide. That is also emotional assault. Finally, encouraging destructive, illegal, anti-social or dangerous behaviour can be abusive, as is exploiting the other person to meet inappropriate needs or for economic/social gain.
PHYSICAL assault is any use of force—or threat of force—in an attempt to control, intimidate or punish. Examples include punching, shoving, slapping, choking, kicking, biting, burning, shaking or using any weapon.
SEXUAL ASSAULT occurs when someone forces any form of sexual activity on someone else without that person’s consent. Force can be physical, or through the use of threats, coercion, manipulation, alcohol/drugs or harassment. Any unwanted sexual activity — including kissing, touching, groping, flashing, oral sex, intercourse, photographing, etc.— under any circumstances is sexual assault.
Consent must always be given, freely and actively, for sexual activity. To freely consent, a person much be at least age 16. (Two youth can legally have sex if one of them is under 16, providing their partner is less than two years older and is not is a position of authority, such as a babysitter, tutor or coach.) Anyone can withdraw consent at any time — even after sexual activity has begun. A person can consent to one activity and not to another. No always means no. Stop always means stop.
Consent cannot be given if a person is too drunk or high to actively and knowingly give consent, so no answer means stop, too! TOP
Dating violence often starts with emotional manipulation and progresses to physically dangerous forms of assault.
If you are walking on eggshells to avoid angering your girlfriend/boyfriend, find yourself begging for forgiveness, or feel controlled or threatened, you have a problem.
Take this quiz to find out more: Are you being abused?
Worried that your behaviour might be out of line? Take this quiz: Are you behaving like an abuser?
Avoiding Dangerous Situations
- Alcohol and drugs play a huge role in dating violence. In fact, 75% of males and 55% of females involved in acquaintance rapes had been drinking or taking drugs just before the attack. To stay safer, stay sober, and avoid those who abuse alcohol and drugs.
- When you don’t know someone well, it’s always safer to date in groups, or to meet somewhere in public. While emotional and physical violence almost always occur in longer-term relationships, “date rape” is more common in newer relationships.
- Trust your instincts, and avoid hanging out with people who “seem like trouble” or have violent tendencies.
- You don’t need to be in a relationship that makes you scared. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is assaultive, you should end the relationship. It’s not always that easy, though. If they threaten you, or if you are at all afraid, listen to your fears and seek help. You may need adult intervention and protection to prevent escalating violence.
- Remember, no matter what situation you were in, getting assaulted is never the victim’s fault. You have a right to be safe. Ask for help.
Every couple argues occasionally, and every close relationship involves some conflict.
Feeling angry is okay, because anger tells us something is wrong. However, using violence or abusive language is never an acceptable way to cope.
Anger is often a mask for hurt feelings and fear. Look deeper to determine what’s really bothering you. Talk about the “real” problem, and avoid “my way or no way” thinking. Negotiate. Look for compromises—be willing to give a little to get a little. Make an effort to be fair and to be generous. Act as you want to be treated when someone is unhappy with you.
Take 100% responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions. You might be angry with someone, but they didn’t MAKE you mad.
If things are really heated, take a time-out. Use this time to talk yourself down from hostile thoughts, feelings and urges, and come up with creative, appropriate solutions.
If you have trouble keeping your anger in check, or if you think you might be abusive, get help. You can change your behaviour, and learn to be part of a healthy relationship.
Understanding limits—yours and someone else's—is important. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship.
Twelve Conversation Starters for a Healthier Understanding»
No one has a right to hit you or harm you, to touch you where or how you don’t want to be touched, to threaten you or to make you feel small, stupid or useless.
If this is happening to you—or to someone you care about—help is available.
- Talk to a trusted adult—parent, doctor, teacher, family friend—about your situation. If they don’t take you seriously, try again.
- Ask your school counsellor where to go for help.
- In an emergency, if you need help right away, call 9-1-1.
- Call a counseling phone service in your area, or contact Kids Help Phone (a free, anonymous, confidential phone and web counselling service) 1-800-668-6868 or visit www.kidshelpphone.ca.
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Updated January, 2009
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