Does this seem unhealthy to you?

The relationships in these three scenarios are marred by different kinds of assault. Read the scenarios and think about the questions that follow. If reading these makes you feel that you, or someone you care about, needs help, please talk to a trusted adult right away. More information on getting help is available here»

TANYA AND ANDY

Tanya and Andy have been going out for three months. They talk on the phone or on the computer every night and get together on weekends, usually with his friends. Often, she goes to watch his hockey games. During the week, Tanya tries to see her girlfriends. Andy isn't thrilled about this. Sometimes, he grills her on the phone about where she's been, who she was with, what she wore. He says she should make more time for him, and that she shouldn't be making herself look nice for anyone else. After all, HE'S her boyfriend. But he always ends the call by telling Tanya how much he loves her. Tanya feels torn between Andy, and doing the things she likes with her friends.

One night when Andy has a game, Tanya's friend invites her over to watch movies with a group of friends. She tries to explain that  she likes watching him play hockey, but she would really rather go to her friend's this time. Andy is ready to explode by the time she stops talking. He grabs her by the shoulders, shakes her, and yells, "Who do you think you are?" Tanya recoils back into the corner, and Andy stands glaring at her, trembling. After several seconds of deafening silence, Andy storms out.

Later, Andy feels so bad about what happened, he cannot concentrate on the hockey game, and the coach pulls him in the last period. Andy doesn't care. All he cares about is fixing things with Tanya.

The next morning, he stands outside her house for an hour, too scared to knock on the door. Finally she sees him and comes out to talk with him.

1. What do you think was said in their conversation?
2. If you were Tanya, what would you say?
3. What would you do next?
4. If you were Andy, what would you say? Should Tanya believe you?
5. Should she still go out with you?
6. As a friend, what would you say to Tanya? To Andy?

DAN AND DEBBIE

Dan thinks of Debbie as a little fireball—but sometimes, she's a little too hot to handle. They've broken up and gotten back together more times than he can count. Debbie is really physical, and very sexually aggressive. She likes it rough, and she won't take no for an answer.

Still, a guy can't complain—she's got a great body and likes plenty of action. At least, that's what he says out loud. Truth is, Dan would have preferred to wait before having a sexual relationship—with Debbie or anyone. He doesn't feel ready for the responsibility or the emotional entanglement that comes with having sex. But when he tried to get Debbie to slow down, told her he wasn't ready, she laughed at him. Then she got mad, and said, "What's with you? Normal guys like sex—are you some kind of freak?"

She kept pushing for sex, physically and verbally, until Dan just gave in. And now that they're having sex, Dan has learned that it's not worth the hassle to try and say no. When he tries, a big fight always starts. Debbie calls him names, then cries and says he must not care about her or find her attractive. So he ends up giving in, just to calm her down.

Dan finally confides his confusion to his best friend, Mike.Mike thinks it sounds pretty crazy—but other times he thinks "Relationships are complicated, and like Dan says, he's getting plenty of action, so it must be ok." Mike isn't sure what he should say to Dan—or if he should say anything at all.

1. Is Dan really being assaulted?
2. If Dan were a female and Debbie a male, would that change the way you see the situation?
3. How can Dan communicate his boundaries?
4. Does Debbie have a right to demand sex from Mike since they're in a relationship?
5. If you were Dan's friend Mike, what would you say or do?

JASON AND MIKE

Jason and Mike started out as friends, but in the past few months, the relationship has evolved into a sexual one. Jason has really intense feelings for Mike, and when they're alone, Mike acts like those feelings are mutual. Trouble is, when they're at school or with friends, Mike ignores Jason. Jason understands that Mike wants to keep their relationship a secret, but it's confusing when Mike acts one way privately, and differently in public.

Worse, Mike sometimes acts like he hates Jason, or like he wishes Jason would change. In public, he makes fun of Jason to others, taunting him and then laughing when Jason looks upset. Even in private, he criticizes the way Jason dresses, his choice of friends, even the way he talks. The other night, Mike told Jason, "I really like you, but your sense of style stinks. Why don't you watch me, and try to dress and act more like I do? People would like you better."

One night when they first got involved, Mike started putting Jason down, and Jason stood up for himself and told Mike to stop. That just made Mike act nastier. "Can't you take constructive criticism?" he asked. Jason tried to explain that he felt Mike was putting him down, not trying to help him. "You're way too sensitive, you stupid faggot!" Mike shouted at him. Jason was so stunned, he didn't know how to respond, and he hasn't tried to discuss it since.

1. What happens when "secrecy" is part of a relationship?
2. Who holds the power in this relationship?
3. How is it being played out?
4. What message is Jason getting?
5. What decisions are in front of Jason?
6. If you were Jason's friend, what would you say to him?

Like Tanya, Dan and Jason, many young people are victims of violence in their dating relationships ... but they may miss the warning signs, especially since so many people have stereotypical expectations about romance and dating violence. Violence in relationships is subtle and complex, often beginning with inappropriate behaviours that may become progressively dangerous.

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