Parents encouraged to teach youth about healthy romantic relationships
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“At a very young age, we start hearing messages that romantic love is all important. It comes through loud and clear in the movies we watch as kids and the lyrics we listen to,” explains Heather Badenoch, senior public affairs advisor to the Canadian Red Cross. “Unfortunately, we often neglect to teach young people what’s healthy and what isn’t in romance.”
That oversight can be dangerous for teenagers. At least one in five Canadian teens experience relationship violence, which is most likely to happen in the teens and early twenties. And more than 25 per cent of those involved in assaultive relationships believe violence, rage and possessiveness are signs of intense love.
“Jealous behaviour is not about love, it’s about power and control,” Badenoch asserts.
For some, unhealthy relationships in adolescence will result in injury or even death, or will establish a lifelong pattern of accepting violence.
How can parents help their kids learn healthy, respectful relationship skills? First, Badenoch says, they need to be sure they are not modeling disrespectful behaviours at home. “Children who grow watching their parents use anger, jealousy or violence to control a partner – of either gender – grow up believing that is how relationships should work. It’s not.”
Beginning at an early age, parents should let children know that everyone has a right to their own feelings, thoughts, interests and friends, and that this doesn’t change when one is in a relationship. It is also important to stress that physical violence is never acceptable, and that sexual consent is something that should always be given freely.
“The bottom line is, people should feel good about themselves and their relationships. If someone is making you feel bad, controlled, ashamed or scared – or if you are using anger and threats to control someone – there’s a problem. That’s not a healthy way to relate,” Badenoch says.
Once your youth begins to date, take those relationships as seriously as they do. Remember that your teenager is more likely to confide in you if they know you will listen respectfully and let them make their own choices.
While you are keeping the door open to conversation, watch for warning signs. These include sudden personality changes; a withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities, family or friends; trying too hard to please a boyfriend/girlfriend; secrecy about fights, bruises and other injuries; and a tendency to make excuses for inappropriate behavior.
Also remember, breaking up isn’t an easy solution. Sometimes, youth believe being in a relationship is better, no matter what. Or they may be scared – when one person goes to end the relationship, the other may threaten to hurt their partner, kill themselves, or engage in reprisals. Violence and harassment can peak after a break-up, so work closely with your son or daughter to help keep them safe, even if it means changing their schedule or patterns.
For parent groups and those who work with youth, the Canadian Red Cross offers a workshop to help adults understand the causes, issues and indicators of youth relationship violence. There is also a program for youth called What's Love Got to Do With It?. Available to schools and community groups, this program uses videos, popular music and other materials to examine what constitutes a healthy relationship and how to recognize abusive relationships. Stereotypes are challenged and information on how to get help is provided.
Last year, more than 23,000 youth and over 200 adults learned healthy relationship skills through these programs in Canada. Contact your local Red Cross office for more information and availability in your area.
“On Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year, each one of us at every age deserves to be in healthy relationships where we feel safe, trusted and respected,” Badenoch notes. “We all have a part to play in teaching this to young people”
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